After repeatedly delaying the release of his medical records, John McCain has a received clean bill of health, at least according to the AP. Given that the McCain campaign provided a tightly restricted pool of reporters only three hours to pore over almost 1200 pages of material covering the past 8 years, reviewers focused almost exclusively on the skin cancer history of the man who routinely proclaims himself "older than dirt."
But those strict time constraints and prohibitions on copying McCain's voluminous records mean that a broad investigation of the 71 year old candidate's health was not possible this morning. Here, then, are five things still to look for in John McCain's medical records:
1. Degeneration of the spine. Since 2000, there have been troubling indications that the supposed maverick now has no backbone. In 2006, McCain acknowledged traveling to "crazy base world" to court Jerry Falwell and other men he once denounced as "agents of intolerance." But having long sought the endorsement of bigoted men like Rod Parsley and John Hagee who advocate Armageddon as foreign policy, McCain yesterday tried to turn tail and run. Other signs include McCain's March 2008 embrace of George W. Bush, a man he told in 2000, "don't give me that sh*t. And take your hands off me."
2. Partial "lobbotomy." McCain's records don't reflect the removal of five lobbyists from the campaign over just the past two weeks. His brain-trust still contains GOP uber-lobbyists Rick Davis and Charlie Black, among a legion of others doing work for foreign bodies. McCain's continued association with these dangerously invasive pathogens can lead to erratic social behavior and a threat to the body politic.
3. Heart problems. Like Vice President Cheney, McCain has displayed worrisome signs of what doctors commonly call "Tin Man Syndrome." Symptoms include McCain's opposition to the expansion of the wildly popular - and successful - State Children's Health Insurance Program (SCHIP), denying health coverage to millions more American kids. And yesterday, McCain skipped the vote on a new GI Bill, siding with President Bush against many in his own party to withhold education and other benefits from America's fighting men and women.
4. Inner ear damage. Given his increasingly frequent and severe bouts of flip-flopping, many physicians fret that John McCain has suffered inner ear damage impacting his balance. Since 2000, Mr. Straight Talk has dramatically changed positions on the religious right, the Bush tax cuts, overturning Roe v. Wade, his ideal Supreme Court justices, immigration reform and the foreclosure crisis, just to name a few of the most disturbing episodes. As it turns out, McCain's symptoms grew more pronounced in proximity to Republican primaries.
5. Failing eyesight. Last week, John McCain vowed to "set a new standard for transparency." But after refusing access to his heiress wife Cindy's tax returns and limiting reporters' time with his mountain of medical records, doctors now worry McCain has developed cataracts, cornea damage or other injury to his eyes. What he sees as transparent, all others view as darkness.
Back in 2000, John McCain claimed that by 2008 he would be too old to be President of the United States. "I think I might be ready to go down to the old soldiers' home," he said, "and await the cavalry charge there." In his defense, McCain's symptoms have little to with his age; they are the same ailments he shares with his political party.