In much the same way that the sun sets in the west, each fall brings the predictable spectacle of apoplectic conservatives foaming at the mouth over the Nobel prizes. Following the awards to Al Gore and Paul Krugman over the past two years, the surprising announcement that President Obama captured the Nobel Peace Prize unsurprisingly produced popping veins and burst blood vessels across right-wingistan.
Sadly for Republicans and their amen corner, the Nobels are humanitarian awards which generally recognize contributions to, well, humanity. Given that almost insurmountable barrier for right-wing aspirants, a little affirmative action is in order.
Here, then, are the 2009 Nobel Prizes for Conservatives:
Literature: Sarah Palin. The former Alaska Governor is the first two-time winner in the history of the Righties literature prize. The Committee honored Palin for the lyrical imagery of her poignant farewell speech, which described "Denali, the great one, soaring under the midnight sun" and the "ice fogged frigid beauty" which splits "the Cheechakos from the Sourdoughs." With her book Going Rogue due out next month, Palin is an early favorite for an unprecedented three-peat.
Medicine: Mitch McConnell, George Bush, Tom Delay and Paul Broun. This quartet of Republican leaders past and present garnered the Nobel for medicine for their discovery of the solution to the crisis of the American health system: the emergency room. It was President Bush who first stumbled upon the answer with his July 2007 eureka moment, "I mean, people have access to health care in America. After all, you just go to an emergency room." His findings were confirmed that November by the disgraced former House Majority Leader Tom Delay, who announced, "There are 47 million people who don't have health insurance, but no American is denied health care in America." In July 2009, Kentucky Senator and Minority Leader Mitch McConnell followed suit, "Well, they don't go without health care." Rep. Broun (R-GA) was a last minute addition to the honor roll with his statement last week that "people who have depression, who have chronic diseases in this country...can always get care in this country by going to the emergency room."
Physics: Michael Steele and Sarah Palin. Steele and Palin were recognized separately for their applications of the Heisenberg Uncertainty Principle in which a phenomenon being observed changes by the act of observation. The Nobel committee cited Steele for his work on Medicare, the insurance program for 46 million Americans which the RNC chairman said his party would - and would not - cut. Palin also won the award for similarly displaying two positions at once. Staying in office, she said announcing her resignation as Governor, was "a quitter's way out." And prior to her pay day in Hong Kong and news of her upcoming multimillion dollar memoir, Palin said, "It's all for Alaska."
Chemistry: Glenn Beck. The Fox News host earned Nobel honors for his groundbreaking work in chemistry. Beck discovered that mixing tea bags with hallucinogens not only produces delusions, but a powerful national political movement. Despite being demonstrably wrong about everything from taxes and Medicare to death panels and birth certificates and so much more, Beck's rag tag army of Birthers, Birchers, Deathers and Tea Baggers is nonetheless taken seriously.
Peace: Mark Sanford. In the closest vote of the 2009 Nobel season, the South Carolina governor edged Senator John McCain. While the committee praised McCain's past call to "bomb bomb Iran" and his 2008 proclamation that "we are all Georgians" despite Tbilisi's role in fomenting conflict with Russia, Sanford ultimately won the award for improving relations with South America.
Economics: George W. Bush. The 43rd president garnered accolades for his work in econometrics. His Absolute Value Theory of the Economy argued that without all the minus signs, the staggering declines during his tenure in employment, GDP, the stock market, health insurance coverage and so much more - the worse of any president since Herbert Hoover - constituted an impressive performance that will be lauded by future historians.
(Here are the award winners for 2007 and 2008.)