In a stunning turn of events Wednesday, President Donald Trump announced a breakthrough agreement with America’s NATO allies to deploy a “massive” Anglo-French armada to force open the Strait of Hormuz and escort ships through the world’s energy choke point now controlled by Iran.

Under the terms of the deal, France and the UK will immediately send a flotilla of two aircraft carriers, 21 destroyers and cruisers and two minesweeping ships. The fleet will be accompanied by support craft from Italy and Greece, along with supply ships from Japan, South Korea and Australia. In exchange, the United States will:

1. Roll back all tariffs on all of the flotilla nations, along with members of NATO, ASEAN, Japan, South Korea and Australia.
2. Renounce all American claims to and territorial ambitions regarding Greenland, with the expansion of U.S. military bases to be negotiated directly by the United States and Denmark.
3. Furnish $100 billion in new military assistance Ukraine for the remainder of 2026, with an addition $100 billion to be provided in 2027.
4. Provide American logistical support for European forces to be stationed in Ukraine following the completion of a peace agreement between Kyiv and Moscow.
5. A rededication of the United States to the North Atlantic Treaty Organization (NATO), with an 80^th anniversary celebration of what Secretary of State Marco Rubio labeled “the greatest and most successful political and military alliance in history.”
6. Maintain current force levels in Europe over the next 10 years as NATO members, especially Germany, complete the modernization and enlargement of their militaries to halt Russian expansionism.

Following the completion of round-the-clock negotiations between U.S. Secretary of State Marco Rubio, French President Emanuel Macron, UK Prime Minister Keir Starmer and NATO Secretary Mark Rutte, Trump to Truth Social to tout the achievement:

“I’m pleased to announce that YOUR FAVORITE PRESIDENT has done a deal to get our cowardly NATO allies to reopen the Strait of Hormuz—which we totally don’t need but those oil-poor countries do—from the clutches of the TERROR REGIME IN TEHRAN, which is also now completely changed and way more reasonable that the previous two Bibi blew up. The allied armada soon to assemble near the Persian Gulf will be like the world has never seen, making the D-Day fleet look like the drive through at the Palm Beach McDonald’s in comparison.

Out of the largeness of MY HEART, which the White House physician and Congressman Ronnie Jackson both said is the BIGGEST AND HEALTHIEST of any President ever, I’ve decided to grant the Europeans three wishes. First, I don’t want Greenland anymore: it turns out the place isn’t even green and is colder than a witch’s t*t. Second, we’re staying in NATO, even if they’ve done nothing for us. As a token of my goodwill, I’m putting $100 billion into the defense of Ukraine, and will make sure European forces and across NATO don’t get rolled by my Vlad “The Impaler” Putin over the next decade. And last, since we totally won the trade war with the cheaters in Europe and Asia, I’m rolling back all the tariffs that I put in place since I returned to the White House, which I never really should have left because “Sleepy Joe’ Biden total cheated in 2020. Thank you for your attention to this matter and Happy April Fool’s Day! PRESIDENT DJT.”