Florida education officials this week announced that they had banned 54 mathematic textbooks from public schools in the Sunshine State. Forty-one percent of the 132 math books reviewed were found to contain “prohibited topics” involving Critical Race Theory (CRT), the “Common Core” national education standards and content by statute and recent executive orders.

But after Governor Ron DeSantis (R-FL) in hiss Monday press conference refused to name any of the banned texts or cite any examples of offending student exercises, the non-profit parents’ advocacy organization CAI released an analysis of its own. In its horrifying report, CAI found that the 54 math textbooks jointly recommended by the AEA (Antifa Education Association) and the PRU (Pedophiles R Us) “shock the conscience.”

Consider, for example, this addition problem from “Math and the Man”:

The Ku Klux Klan was hosting a picnic for family and friends in Dothan, Alabama. But the white supremacist festivities were interrupted by freedom fighters Andre, Shlomo and Keyshawn. Shlomo mowed down three Klansmen with his AK-47. Andre garroted two while Keyshawn decapitated one. How many dead crackers does that make? (Correct Answer: 6)

This disturbing quadratic equation from “Math by Any Means Necessary” is certain to worry even the most “woke” parent:

After being sentenced to prison in 1946, Malcolm Little disavowed his slave name and was thenceforth known as “Malcolm X.” If X²-5X+6 = 0, what was Malcolm’s new last name? (Correct Answers: 2 or 3)

The third-grade workbook “Billy Has Two Moms, a Dad, and a Dog,” offered this nightmarish puzzler for wholesome American families:

Carol is a bisexual cruising at Timmy’s 8^th birthday party. The straight guests include boys David, Len and Harry, and girls Barbara and Debbie. Other bisexuals include Alan and his friend Sandra. A “bear” named Nathaniel is also in attendance, as are “muffin thumpers” Mary and Margaret. If Carol is going to hook up with just one person at the party, how many potential lovers can Carol choose from? (Correct Answer: 7)

“Nip/Tuck for Tikes” featured this frightening exercise:

First-grader Eric wants nothing more than to become Erin. But Eric’s parents—freelance graphic artist Laura and Uber driver Mahmoud—don’t have health insurance for their family. Counseling alone costs $20,000. Puberty blockers will run Eric’s family another $15,000, while breast implants and genital reconstruction surgery together add up to $57,000. If Eric gets a $100,000 grant from George Soros, how much money does Erin have left to pay for a fabulous float for his hometown’s Pride Parade? (Correct Answer: $8,000)

The CAI also unearthed this test question from an arithmetic text called “White Flight by the Numbers”:

In 1962, Chicago bus drivers Chad, Enrique and Willis each wanted to buy a house in tony Winnetka, Illinois. Despite having the same salaries and savings as the honky Chad, Black-American Willis and Latinx citizen Enrique were blocked from purchasing homes due to discriminatory covenants put in place by racist homeowners’ associations. While Chad got his starter home in Winnetka for $100,000, Enrique had to settle for $50,000 flat in Chicago’s Bucktown neighborhood and Willis was left with a $25,000 condo on the South Side. In the intervening 60 years, average home prices rose by 1000% in Winnetka, by 300% in Bucktown and 125% on the South Side. Under the Federal Housing Equity and Fairness Act, how much are the families of Willis and Enrique each owed in reparations? (Correct Answer: Nothing. There is no federal law requiring the payment of reparations.)

In conclusion, the CAI report titled “Diversity Isn’t the Answer to the Equation” darkly warned, “These 54 books show what can happen when the radical gay, woke, pedophile agenda succeeds in putting its reverse racism into mathematics. Governor DeSantis was absolutely justified in banning them to prevent the grooming of the next generation of students.”

UPDATE: After further research, it turns out there are no such organizations called the Antifa Education Association and Pedophiles R Us. None of the five texts mentioned above exist either. Efforts to contact CAI, the Cracker-Ass Institute, were unsuccessful. We regret the errors in our original reporting.