Karl Rove Whack-a-Mole Contest Winners!
On August 3rd, 2005, the fifth anniversary of George W. Bush's promise to "uphold the honor and dignity of the office", Perrspectives concluded the "Karl Rove Whack-a-Mole Contest."
Today, we're pleased to announce the winners. Hundreds of people worldwide came forward to be judge and jury for Karl Rove. Their verdict for Rove's outing of CIA operative Valerie Plame and crimes too numerous to document here: guilty.
And while the Fitzpatrick grand jury is still months away from indictments, the Whack-a-Mole contestants have already announced their sentences for Karl Rove:
Karl Rove Whack-a-Mole Contest: Honorable Mentions
- "I can't think of any crueler punishment than having to kiss Helen Thomas."
- "Karl Rove, while clad only in a diaper, must lead the 2006 San Francisco Gay Pride Parade. He must then go to city hall and serenade Mayor Gavin Newsome with his rendition of 'It's Raining Men.'"
- "A mysterious illness takes him out of the public eye or a reluctant admission that he need to spend quality time with his family (he's single) or a televised emotional breakdown on Fox TV and public begging for Jesus' forgiveness or, most likely, a presidential pardon followed by a lucrative book tour."
- "Karl should obviously be sentenced to a lifetime of housecleaning and yardwork chores for Joe and Valerie Wilson. He will be required to wear a French maid's uniform and serve yellow cake daily. On his days off he can polish his craft at the DNC Headquarters."
- "Karl Rove shall henceforth be forced to lay face up on the floor of CIA Headquarters in Langley, Virginia, and be videotaped as a DNC-donated donkey defecates on his forehead. The droppings, along with the video, will then be transported via motorcade to the Smithsonian for eternal public viewing."
- "Did you see Pulp Fiction? It's not hard to imagine Karl Rove with the red ball in his mouth."
- "On the White House lawn, set fire to an American flag".
- "Rove is sentenced to go to Florida from D.C. by Greyhound bus and once there, COUNT EVERY VOTE from 2000."
- "Rove's sentence? Janitor at the Clinton presidential library."
- "Rove should sentenced to consecutively: (a) advocate the theory of evolution at a gathering of the Family Research Council; (b) serve as a Columbian drug mule, and: (c) Do 10 years as a love slave in San Quentin."
- "Karl should be banished to Niger, sans phone contact, where he can attempt to verify the Niger uranium claims and live off of a dollar a day for the rest of his life."
- "Karl Rove should be sentenced to a ten-year sentence of community service. As his community service, Rove should have to wear a French maid outfit while cleaning the toilets in the covert operations branch at the George H.W. Bush Center for Intelligence (the CIA)."
- "Karl Rove should be sentenced to community service...in Iraq. His assignment? Join the team of lawyers defending Saddam. If he fails...extraordinary rendition to Uzbekistan."
- "Rove should be sentenced to receive a pre-frontal lobotomy. That would give him the same level of intelligence as W."
- "Rove should be sentenced to one-year's KP duty at an army base in Iraq - perferably close to Fallujah."
- "Send Rove to Guantanamo Bay with Alberto Gonzales as his lawyer and armed with the Gonzales/Justice memo authorizing torture."
- "Every time Rove orders food, no matter what he orders, the same thing will be delivered: yellow cake (preferably imported from Niger, by ship)."
- "Rove is to wear a lie detector at all times except when sleeping or bathing. A technician will continuously monitor the results and explain their significance in real-time on an LED display above Karl's head."
- "I hereby sentence Karl Rove to enlist in the Army Reserves. At the conclusion of his basic training, he is to be issued a Viet Nam era flak jacket then shipped off to Iraq, where he can drive his inadequately protected Humvee to US bases located throughout the country where he will entertain the troops by doing his best Ethel Merman rendition of "There's No Business Like Show Business."
- "Rove's punishment? His entire personal and professional history, public and private, including social security number, credit cards, etc. are to be handed over to Noam Chomsky, Jello Biafra, and James Carville."
- "How about as a soccer referee in Iraq for the kids, say a Sunni kids all-star team against a Shiite kids all-star team."
- "Rove is to be placed in Afganistan, in a burka with a sign on his back that states, 'I talked out of turn and wear lipstick.'"
- "Karl Rove should be ordered to live in Youngstown, Ohio, and make his living as best he can while offering employers no credentials beyond his high school diploma (if he has one)."
- "Maybe a week in Abu Ghraib prision would serve him well. I would even pay to send Ted Kennedy and Alan Colmes there with cameras."
- "Karl will be placed in solitary. His only reading will be past writings of Robert Novak, his only television will be re-runs of McLaughlin and Co. and his only human contact will be with Molly Ivins who will be his cook, counselor and physical trainer."
- "He should have to go on, not one, but three, public dates with Richard Simons...in matching outfits!"
- "Make him work for the DNC, and then when Hillary Clinton and Diane Feinstein run as a ticket, he becomes their campaign strategist with a contingency fee for every state he loses he loses a finger or toe, and if he tops 20 he then starts losing appendages, all five of them."
- "For Karl Rove's role in the idea to dismantle Social Security, he should be forced to live in subsidized housing and eat cat food and Meals on Wheels!."
- "Drop him off in the Khyber Pass with orders to find and eliminate Osama bin Laden and Mullah Omar. Since we are a benevolent nation, though, We should provide him with a travel guide to Afghanistan written in 1979 and a webcam permanently attached to his helmet so that we can all see Karl on his top secret mission. Oh, and let everyone in the area know that Karl is on a secret mission to hunt down and kill Osama bin Laden and Mullah Omar."
- "He is to receive the following two life sentences (to be served consecutively.) For the remainder of his current incarnation, he is sentenced to spend each and every day, rain, snow or shine, on his hands and knees trimming grass around the crosses in Arlington National Cemetary. At night he will be incarcerated within the Tomb of the Unknown Soldier and fed nothing but MREs. In his next life he is to be reborn as a dung beetle in the outhouse of an aids hospital in Africa and begin the process of working his way up from there, lifetime by lifetime."
- "Please have Karl Rove strapped to a chair and required to listen to every recorded utterance of Bill Clinton with extra emphasis on his grand jury testimony about the word 'is.'"
- "Rove is sentenced to a diet of whole grain, organic, dolphin-safe foods and a little time on the labor circuit helping Jimmy Carter build low-income housing."
- "Karl Rove should be sentenced to exposure to direct sunlight without his Nosferatu(TM) brand sunblock and contact lenses."
- "Karl will be forced to perform as a magician at children's parties. No dirty tricks will be allowed."
- "Require Rove to keep Suddam Hussein?s tighty whitey undie briefs clean and fresh by laundering them daily, using only his tongue and saliva, and then hanging them out to dry each evening on his out streached middle toe while holding onto a much frequented porta-potty to balance his stance. Length of sentence: Until a full case of briefs becomes thread-bare from wear & tear."
For the results of Perrspectives' January 2005 "Name That Bush Scandal" Contest, click here.