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Thanks W!

April 28, 2013

This week, the Republican Party asked Americans to join in the celebration marking the opening of the George W. Bush Presidential Library. In addition to offering "Thanks W" stickers (fittingly available only in black and white), visitors to the web site can sign an e-card thanking President Bush "for his hard work and dedication to the principles that make America great!"
The outpouring of gratitude to the 43rd President has been overwhelming, not just from Americans but from people around the world. Here are just some of the touching W thank you notes which have flooded in so far:

"Thanks, W! Your line about 'you cut taxes and revenues increase' really helped catapult the propaganda." (Arthur Laffer)
"Thanks, W! I was so proud to learn that working three jobs was 'fantastic' and "uniquely American." (Divorced mother of three in Omaha)
"Thanks, W! I didn't think it was possible for anyone to make me look good." (Herbert Hoover, posthumous)
"Thanks, W! Even after I said I was 'determined to strike in U.S.', you told CIA briefers 'you've covered your ass now.' And after 9/11 and that whole 'wanted dead or alive' stuff, I figured I was toast. But thanks to your war in Iraq, the dismantling of the CIA's Bin Laden unit and your post-Tora Bora declaration that 'I truly am not that concerned about him,' I got to live almost another 10 years and watch my children and grandchildren grow up to be martyrs." (Osama Bin Laden, posthumous)
"Thanks, W! It was so cool when you looked into my eyes, got a sense of my soul and knew I was someone you could work with." (Vladimir Putin)
"Thanks, W! Nobody ever touched me the way you did. Really, nobody." (German Chancellor Angela Merkel)
"Thanks, W! I didn't know that 'Gog and Magog are at work in the Middle East.'" (Former French President Jacques Chirac)
"Thanks, W! I always wanted to pretend to be a White House correspondent. I wrote all about it my new memoir, '8 Inches, Cut.'" (Jeff Gannon)
"Thanks, W! Every time I say 'mushroom cloud', I think of you." (Condoleezza Rice)
"Thanks, W! When I saw that Colin Powell told the UN that Iraq had mobile weapons labs, I thought I was reading The Onion. Haven't stopped laughing since!" (Curveball)
"Thanks, W! You told those Iraqi insurgent to 'bring it on.' They brought it on and now my nephew is dead." (Mary Kewatt, aunt of Edward James Hergott, member of the 1st Armored Division)
"Thanks, W! We really appreciated the opportunity to be greeted as liberators in Iraq." (101st Airbone Division)
"Thanks, W! That whole 'uranium in Africa' thing was really helpful for tourism." (Mahamadou Issoufou, President of Niger)
"Thanks, W! By revealing my covert CIA identity, you gave me the opportunity to have Naomi Watts play me in a movie. It was a dream come true." (Valerie Plame)
"Thanks, W! I loved accusing Valerie Plame of perjury during her Congressional testimony. That was awesome!" (Rep. Darrell Issa)
"Thanks, W! Hanging out with Laura at the 2004 State of the Union address was the most fun I had since I was tried and convicted in absentia for embezzlement in Jordan." (Ahmed Chalabi)
"Thanks, W! Nobody would have believed me when I said Saddam trained Al Qaeda operatives until your guys waterboarded me. By the way, I have a bridge to sell you. Just kidding, dude." (Ibn al-Shaykh al-Libi)
"Thanks, W! If someone had told me I could sign a memo calling the Geneva Conventions 'quaint' and saying torture 'must be equivalent in intensity to the pain accompanying serious physical injury, such as organ failure, impairment of bodily function, or even death' and STILL become a federal judge, I never would have believed it." (Jay Bybee)
"Thanks, W! Remember when I said it was OK if you ordered that a child's testicles be crushed? Those were good times." (John Yoo)
"Thanks, W! I had been wrestling with when to retire. But thanks to your administration forcing me out of the military for telling Congress the occupation of Iraq would require 'several hundreds of thousands' of troops, I didn't even have to make the decision myself. Tell Don Rumsfeld and Paul Wolfowitz I said 'hi," and no hard feelings over the whole 'wildly off the mark' thing." (General Eric Shinseki)
"Thanks, W! You were right to force me out after I told Congress that the Iraq War might cost $200 billion. Boy, was I off!" (Lawrence Lindsey)
"Thanks, W! I'll always be grateful for the time in August 2004 you called our Iraq war a 'catastrophic success.' That made me seem like slightly less of a douchebag for saying 'freedom is untidy.'" (Donald Rumsfeld)
"Thanks, W! When Bill Clinton was President, the whole 'Islamic Republic of Iran' thing was getting old. Now we have more influence in the region than ever. P.S. Nuri al-Maliki sends his regards." (Ayatollah Ali Khamenei)
"Thanks, W! That thing where you called me an Ann Richards supporter was hilarious. Hugs also for the whole 'no FERC price caps' thing." (Former Enron CEO Ken Lay)
"Thanks, W! I never knew what it felt like to be 'charged right up, jammed right up her a------ for f------g $250 a megawatt hour.'" (Grandma Millie)
"Thanks, W! I appreciate the chance to serve as your head of the EPA. Telling the Europeans that you were committed to the Kyoto Protocols even as you announced the U.S. withdrawal from them was a teachable moment for me." (Christie Todd Whitman)
"Thanks, W! I'm so glad you broke your 2000 campaign promise about regulating CO2 omissions. That's what we have trees for." (Ronald Reagan, posthumous)
"Thanks, W! Social Security privatization would have been sweet!" (Lehman Brothers)
"Thanks, W! We never would have known that private Social Security accounts 'can't be used to bet on the lottery, or a dice game, or the track.'" (NAACP)
"Thanks, W! The Florida recount was epic. We always wanted to have the Supreme Court write an opinion saying 'no precedent here, bitches." (Antonin Scalia and Clarence Thomas)
"Thanks, W! If it wasn't for your 2000 campaign, I wouldn't have known I had a black sister." (Meghan McCain)
"Thanks, W! Heckuva job, Bushie!" (Michael Brown)
"Thanks, W! Nobody could have anticipated the breach of the levees. Well, almost nobody." (Ghosts of New Orleans)
"Thanks, W! Americans needed to know that 'Too many OB/GYNs aren't able to practice their love with women all across this country.'" (Ron Paul)
"Thanks for the medal, W!" (Paul Bremer)
"Thanks for the medal, W!" (Tommy Franks)
"Thanks for the medal, W!" (George Tenet)
"Thanks for the medal, W!" (Chuck Colson, posthumous)
"Thanks, W! You're the only one who believed me when I said I didn't use steroids." (Rafael Palmeiro)
"Thanks, W! I'll always remember the good, old days of rigging Texas' redistricting plan, fixing the Medicare prescription drug vote, calling for a biblical worldview in government and raising hell over Terri Schiavo. Join me in the hot tub and we'll get in a persistent vegetative state." (Tom Delay)
"Thanks, W! Being VP was really a blast; just ask Harry Whittington. Still pissed off that you didn't pardon Scooter. I briefly thought about shooting you in the face, too! Seriously, just kidding." (Dick Cheney)
"Thanks, W! And remember to join me for our Passover seder next year. It's on me." (Jack Abramoff)
"Thanks, W! That press conference where you said you couldn't think of a single mistake you made was priceless. Wish I thought of it." (Pope Benedict XVI)
"Thanks, W! I really appreciated the kudos on changing your heart. Also, Dad says thanks for the whole 'freedom is God's gift to humanity' thing. Now, how about some credit in the Constitution?" (Jesus)


Jon Perr
Jon Perr is a technology marketing consultant and product strategist who writes about American politics and public policy.

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