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Enter the "Sentence Scooter" Contest!

March 6, 2007

The jury in the CIA leak trial of Scooter Libby has spoken. Now it's your turn.

Enter Perrspectives' "Sentence Scooter Contest." You get to play judge and pronounce a fitting sentence for the incredibly guilty Mr. Libby, convicted on four counts of perjury and obstruction of justice in the outing of CIA operative Valerie Plame. You'll not only have fun, you could also win a $100 gift certificate for your trouble.
The rules are simple. Use the Comments Form below to send in your ideal sentence for Dick Cheney's hatchet man. Provide the funniest, most appropriate or otherwise most enjoyable retribution for Libby and you'll win the $100 Amazon gift certificate. Second and third place winners receive $50 and $25 gift certificates, respectively. (Email address is required for prize notification.)
Appropriate punishments can run the full gamut of the ironic, mean-spirited, tasteless, and otherwise biblically just. For example, you could sentence Libby to be Ted Haggard's PR man or Valerie Plame's butler. Jail, community service, a tour of duty in Iraq, or a stint as an NAACP spokesperson would also be fine. Recommending personal injury or other acts of violence is out. (While fitting, the rules prohibit placing Scooter Libby in a locked cage with an oversexed bear, as were young girls in his trashy 2001 novel, The Apprentice.)
Deliver your sentence by Sunday night, March 11. Winners will be announced on March 19, 2007, the fourth anniversary of the invasion of Iraq made possible in part by President Bush's infamous 16 words on uranium in Niger.
So help President Bush "uphold the honor and dignity" of the White House. Sentence Scooter today!
UPDATE: Al Kamen at the Washington Post is sponsoring a Libby contest of his own, "Guess Libby's Pardon Date, Win a T-Shirt."

72 comments on “Enter the "Sentence Scooter" Contest!”

  1. Sentence:
    Dick Cheney and Saddam Hussein's water boy for their eternal mudwrestling match in hell.

  2. Declared an enemy combatent, striped of all Constitutional rights, secretly reditioned to Abu Graib and stacked into a naked pyramid with other terrorists.

  3. He should not be allowed to make any profit from his misdeeds; he should be disbarred; he should not be allowed to take any government benefits, pensions, medical, dental, etc. Like President Logan on "24," he should be under house arrest for the rest of his life.

  4. He should be taken to the Dune Sea and cast into the pit of Carkoon, the nesting place of the all-powerful Sarlacc. In his belly, Scooter will find a new definition of pain and suffering, as he is slowly digested over a thousand years.
    Wait...that's been done...
    He should be sentenced to clear brush on George Bush's ranch for the remainder of his life. After all, we can hope that George will eventually be busy with his own court appearances...

  5. Scooter should get at least the same amount of time that Judith Miller served to save his black soul!

  6. Scooter should be doing double shifts cleaning bedpans, dressing bedsores, and comforting every single injured veteran at Walter Reed, Bethesda, and every VA hospital in the USA for the rest of his natural life. He covered Cheney's ass to help create that awful war. Let him take responsibility and live with the reminders face to face.

  7. Nailing Libby to a cross won't do anything but make him a martyr. The greatest punishment would be to put him in a position where he has to rat out those above him. We saw during the trial (and in his actions leading up to it) Libby prized protecting his superiors almost more than even his own freedom. Make him violate that trust. Make him spill the beans on Cheney and Bush and every other criminal in this administration. That's the worst you could do to him short of execution.

  8. 10 years in prison. Then like abramhoff a deal could be made to get to the truth. the real truth..People like us have gotten huge prison sentences for simple little things like having a joint, Libbys lie outed one of our own, and killed some undercover people..Yes he was told to do it for policial reasons, but he did it..We are either a nation a laws for all people or nobody has to follow the rules..He is not special..

  9. I'm adapting my sentence for Libby from the movie Braveheart:
    "March straight back to Crawford, stopping at every home to beg forgiveness for six years of theft, rape, and murder."
    And when I mean march, I mean march- on foot all the way.
    Oh, and when he gets to Crawford, the maximum 25 years in prison, or until he finally rolls over and drops the dime on Rove, Cheney and the shrub.

  10. This won't win, but I'll tell you what will happen: try really really really hard to drag the appeals process out until, golly, November 2008 and then get pardoned as a holiday gift from W.

  11. First: He should shave his head
    Then: He should go into "rehab"
    Then: He should admit he's gay
    Then: He should and go into rehab for that
    Then: He should say he's "cured" of being gay
    Then: Dick Cheney should shoot him in the face

  12. First, he must formally apologize to the Nation for wasting our precious time and resources and recompense the treasury for all of Plame's training, all her lost utility to the service of our nation, any expenses due as a consequence of her outing (those expenses not directly attending her, e.g., training her replacement, the loss of any operatives due to the outing, etc.) and any and all expenses incurred by the Special Prosecutor's office in pursuing his felonies.
    Second, two years cleaning the urinals in CIA headquarters. He must also operate a free shoe shine boutique in the main men's lavatory and make those services available ot all female employees as well.
    During his time at CIA he must loudly, and formally, apologize to everyone using the urinal or his shoe shining service or any CIA employee he encounters while he is on the premises.
    He must address all persons in CIA service as "sir" or "madam" and try at all times to make no eye contact with them.

  13. He should be issued fatigues, a rifle, and some MREs, and shipped to a remote mountain in Afghanistan where he can personally hold a strategically important post, with no air cover or body armor, until the War on Terror is officially declared over. That way some poor bastard he and his evil cronies shipped off can come back to his life, wife and family.

  14. Order him to fly around the country -at his own expense- and attend every public appearance of the president, wearing a 'I outed a CIA Agent' t-shirt. When expelled by republican operatives posing as Secret Service agents at these events, he must accept ACLU representation. Oh, and he needs to keep an up-to-date travel blog about his experiences.

  15. Scooter Libby should be imprisoned at Leavenworth, have his eyelids held open with toothpicks, and be subjected to watching a dancing duo of Rush Limbaugh and Bill O'Reilly wearing nothing but Borat thongs and feather boas for the rest of his miserable days.
    Now the challenge is to find some sponsors to pay Dumb and Dumberer's salaries to do said prison dancing.

  16. Well, I couldn't recommend anything that's real harm, but for convenience we can use the Bush administration's definition of genuine harm. I imagine that if subjected to real "stress and duress" interrogation techniques while being kept in solitary confinement, like Jose Padilla, he might roll over on Cheney-- or, just do that until he says he's guilty of thoughtcrime, then drop him off on U street NorthEast and see how long he survives.

  17. He has to work in a cubicle at an insurance company, for a boss who counts his key strokes. He lives in a cheap apartment, takes the bus to work, and knows it will never get better.

  18. I know this comment won't win any awards... and I'm all for fun retributive fantasies... but I also think it's worth pointing out that retribution is not - or should not be - what we are after. Restitution probably isn't possible in an obstruction of justice case. Deterrents and prevention are good, and worth keeping the dude out of positions of power - maybe fining him... But let's not let our schadenfreude cloud our ethics where it concerns the irksome practice of incarceration (of the non-violent), or where it concerns a truly ethical view of justice. Purely punitive, purely retributive measures are not justice.

  19. He should be publicly shaved from head to toe by Britney Spears, Yoko Ono should tattoo the Constitution over every inch of his skin, and then he should be slowly run toes-first through a giant shredder by Fawn Hall. Or Christo.
    Okay, so this involves violence, but it's conceptual violence. You shouldn't rule it out because it'd be messy and painful and deadly. It's really the beauty of the concept you should be admiring and rewarding here, not the actual follow-through.
    You know, like with Iraq.

  20. Ship him to Iraq as Bush's personal envoy to Al Qaeda. Require that he live by himself among the Sunni militants he is trying to communicate with so that he can come to understand from personal experience the danger of being publicly identified as an American agent.

  21. Supermax next to the crazies in Colorado unless he agrees to give up Cheney AND Rove, in which case he only gets medium security.

  22. he should have to run around the White House with his pants aorund his ankles. and then he should go to jail.

  23. Easy, make him Cheney's beer-fetching hunting buddy. And I'm not advocating violence; it ain't my fault the VP confuses grown human beings with clipped game birds.

  24. He should have to see cheney naked , hopefully he wont get shot in the face. do you ever wonder why they call it "outing" of an agent ?. Maybe take some pictures of bin laden and the bushes having rough sex with rove as the dominatrix.

  25. Weekly quail hunting trips with Cheney and a shotgun for an undertermined length of time. We'll know when its over.

  26. Clean the prisoners toilets at Guantanamo prison for as long as the prison exists.

  27. Sentenced to jail for as long as Keith Olbermann is on the air, making sure to watch Keith faithfully, every night. Then during the off hours, make him watch the Keith Olbermann "Countdown" archives for 23 hours a day.

  28. "Scooter" should be sentenced to indefinite detention at Abu Grahib prison in Baghdad. Leave him naked in a cold concrete cell with heavy metal music blasting 24 hours a day. Bring in Lindy England to sexually humiliate him. After a few months at Abu Grahib give him the choice of either staying there or joining the Army for three consecutive tours of duty patrolling the streets of Baghdad. Let the man experience firsthand the hell he helped create with his lies.

  29. Libby should be sentenced to serve his time walking the streets of Tehran, carrying papers identifying him as a recruiter for Brewster Jennings.

  30. He should be put in shackles and taken to every Veteren's and Military Hospital and apologize to every single wounded soldier and all the families of the casualties of this war. He helped get us into this war. He owes that and more.

  31. Let him be a CIA operative. In Afghanistan. Or Russia. Or Iraq. Somewhere where they won't like a CIA operative. Then announce in every newspaper in the country he is sent to that he is a CIA operative. Let them decide his fate.

  32. Scooter needs to give up working in D.C. and go back to being a gopher for the Muppets, where he originally came from, for the term of his natural life.

  33. For forgetting about a crime that didn't occur, I sentence you to DEATH, I. Lewis Libby. Does it really matter? You will be pardoned anyhow - the punch line to the whole big joke of political prosecutions. [Loud outcries of TROLL follow here]

  34. He should be forced to roam the streets of Baghdad wearing an "Islam is for Suckers" T-shirt.

  35. Mr. Libby should have to single handedly dig the graves of any CIA agents killed in response to exposing Ms. Plame's covert status. He must provide the funds for the tomestone, and apologize at each funeral for contributing to the agent's death.

  36. Sentence him to read every statement emanating from the White House until he finds two consecutive truths.

  37. Libby gets to share a cell with Jack Abramoff, David Safavian, Bob Ney, Duke Cunningham, Dusty Foggo...

  38. He should be tried for war crimes and crimes against humanity at The Hague.
    Just being tried there would be a good bit of punishment. After the World Criminal Court finds him guilty, let them sentence him for all the crimes.

  39. He should be forced to open the new branch of Brewster Jennings in Tehran.
    Otherwise, he should become Valerie's dog on a leash, carrying her purse in his mouth

  40. First he should be made to live on a minimum wage salary after donating all his existing assets to the Democratic party.
    Second he should be forced to live in Bahgdad and for his minimum wage salary, he should be forced to work 80 hours a week digging graves for persons killed in the war. Should he survive that (he can leave when all the US troops leave), he will spend the next 20 years rebuilding New Orleans as a construction worker - still receiving only minimum wage. He will work for an employer who provides no health insurance. If natrional health insurance is ever passed he can have that. He'll be tired by then, so he'll be allowed to cut back to 60-hour weeks but no vacation time ever. And no paid holidays. He'll have to take holidays off, but no pay for them. And of course construction workers don't get paid if it rains either. And he is absolutely forbidden to evacuate in case of more hurricanes heading for the city.

  41. Truth serum every day at noon to be followed by Congressional testimony (televised by C-SPAN) in front of Rep. Waxman every day at 1pm until the whole sordid story is in the public domain. Anything will do after this. Life imprisonment, perhaps--as long as he shares his prison quarters with Cheney.

  42. He should be placed in a cage with a bear that has been trained to couple with middle-aged men. Whenever the bear begins to lose interest, it should be poked with a stick to help it regain its ardor.
    What? I didn't think it up; Scooter did.
    Does this mean he wins the prize?

  43. 10,000 hours of community service with a faith-based charitable organization, the Gideons, distributing in public places free New Testaments, printed in the local language, in locations chosen by Ms. Plame.

  44. Scoots should be given the public service duty of filing all the paperwork (correctly, with as many copies as required) for all injured service folks from either Afghanistan or Iraq. In addition, he would be responsible for any paperwork that was necessary for movement from active duty to VA. He also would be required to attend every funeral for any service member held within 400 miles of his base.
    No point sending him to prison, his wife looks capable of making his life a living hell as he shuffles between public service and home, wearing his ankle bracelet.

  45. He should be locked up in a Texas prison in general population for 5 years. Time to see the world as it really is.

  46. He should have to work as a minimum-wage earning hourly "associate" at a suburban Walmart Superstore for 5 years. No additional income allowed.
    [No offense intended to anyone who actually is a minimum-wage earning worker at a suburban Walmart Superstore.]

  47. First Suspend the Sentence
    Second Bring in the real criminal Richard Armitage.
    Third Convict him of outing Plame.
    BTW thanks for your extreme bias Your extreme left views only serve to further degrade the intellect of the United States people.
    Libby did nothing wrong. He is only guilty of faulty memory. Maybe we should bring in Sand Burgger for theft of classified information.

  48. Libby should legally change is name to Dick's penis and should run around prison for 2 years with a large hole in his jumpsuit where his asscrack should be.

  49. Before being reinstated to the simian race, Scooter ButtLicky must do and be subjected to all of the comments listed above, but first he must shoot Cheney in the dick and George in his bush.


  51. he should be required to notify all his neighbors that he is a registered liar and obstructor of justice [like sex offenders].
    when in public, he should be required to wear a prison uniform at all times [to remind him what he's missing].
    he should have to start every sentence with "Scooter Says" [kinda like "Simon Says"] to remind him of the importance of the truth.

  52. hi good thank you In addition, he would be responsible for any paperwork that was necessary for movement from active duty to VA. He also would be required to attend every funeral for any service member held within 400 miles of his base.


Jon Perr
Jon Perr is a technology marketing consultant and product strategist who writes about American politics and public policy.

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