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Text of Bush Letter to Kim Jong-Il Released

December 8, 2007

In a dramatic reversal of policy, President George W. Bush this week sent a personal letter directly to North Korean leader Kim Jong-il. According to the text of the letter obtained by the AP and other media outlets, Bush urged Kim to come forward with the details of his nuclear plan. "I want to emphasize," Bush wrote, "that the declaration must be complete and accurate if we are to continue our progress."
But according to anonymous sources within the White House, President Bush originally drafted a much harsher letter to Kim. Only after the personal intervention of Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice was the Bush missive toned down.
Perrspectives has obtained the text of that rumored first draft:

Dear L'il Kim,
Back in 1999, I was chewing the fat with mi hermano Prince Bandar. He kept going off about North Korea. So I asked him, "Why should I care about North Korea?"
Turns out, he said, you guys were trying to build a nucular weapon. And now, I hear, you may even have a few.
Well, that is unacceptable. I'm the decider and I've decided you are not going to have a nucular weapon.
Make no mistake about it. I loathe you. I have a visceral reaction to you because you're starving your own people. You're a pygmy, a spoiled child at a dinner table.
My advisers tell me that you are a member of the Axis of Evil. Well, I'm not going to sit still while some major league a**hole seeks weapons of mass destruction. Your regime poses a grave and growing danger. I can't wait for the smoking cloud to take the form of a mushroom gun.
Kimmy boy, you are a tyrant. You could learn a thing or two about democracy from our partner in the multiple lateral talks, Vladimir Putin. (I looked the man in the eye. I was able to get a sense of his soul. I knew that Pootie Poot was a man with whom I could work.) I'd suggest you start by reading some stuff from my favorite philosopher Jesus. He changed my heart; he could do wonder-working things for you.
So get with the program. Give up your nucular weapons. Tell us what you know about how you learned to build them from that Pakistani dude who was in the Wrath of Khan. And shut down your uranium enrichment plant at One Big Wang.
George W. Bush
P.S. Why are you guys all named "Kim?" I guess there's a few named Park. What's up with that?

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Jon Perr
Jon Perr is a technology marketing consultant and product strategist who writes about American politics and public policy.

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