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The 2008 Nobel Prizes for Conservatives

October 13, 2008

Coming just 12 months after Al Gore won the Nobel Peace Prize, news that Princeton professor and New York Times economist Paul Krugman garnered the 2008 award for economics once again has some conservatives apoplectic. But while some (for example, here and here) take solace that Krugman was not recognized for his punditry, many rugged individualists on the right remain hopping mad that they never win prizes designed to recognize contributions to, well, the rest of humanity.
To once again redress this wrong done to the right, here are the 2008 Nobel Prizes for Conservatives we'd like to see:
Physics: John McCain. The Republican presidential candidate was honored by the Committee for his ground-breaking application of the Heisenberg Uncertainty Principle to economic issues. From his reversal on the Bush tax cuts and shifting stands on a first-term balanced budget to his 24 hour turnaround on a government package to buy distressed home mortgages at face value from banks, McCain's position like that of an atomic particle changes under observation.
Literature: Sarah Palin. The Alaska governor narrowly beat out Christian Coalition and Jack Abramoff colleague turned novelist Ralph Reed. In her short time on the literary scene, Palin impressed the judges with her gift for fiction. Among her rapidly growing body of work recognized by the Nobel voters are her fantasy "Bridge to Nowhere," the blockbuster "Alaska Produces 20% of U.S. Energy" and her new state trooper drama, "No Unethical Activity."
Economics: Phil Gramm. The former Senator and McCain economic adviser won honors for his revolutionary work at the nexus of economics and psychology. In his studies, Gramm found that the dramatic slowing of the U.S. economy, the mortgage crisis and the meltdown of the American financial system was merely a "mental recession." Americans' cognitive (if not economic) troubles, he concluded, manifested themselves as a "nation of whiners." Gramm's doctrine - that Americans' economic woes are "psychological" - is now orthodoxy for John McCain.
Chemistry: Sarah Palin. Palin is a rare two-time winner, also being awarded by the Nobel panel for her breakthrough thesis, "Duality of Response to Pheromones." As it turns out, prolonged exposure to Palin herself triggers a flight response from moderate, independent voters, including women. Meanwhile, large doses of Palin among conservatives (especially men) produces effects ranging from sitting "straighter" and experiencing near orgasmic "starbursts" to incitements to violence.
Medicine: The Republican Party. In a Nobel first, the Committee awarded a group prize for medicine to entire Republican Party for its trail-blazing 2008 GOP Platform. That document not only bans all abortions even in cases of rape and incest, but alters the frontiers of law and medicine alike by endorsing "legislation to make clear that the Fourteenth Amendment's protections apply" to fetuses.
Peace: John McCain. An unusual second-double-winner in a one year, McCain earned the peace prize for his commitment to bridging the divide between Sunni and Shiite in the Middle East. On at least four occasions, McCain tried to erase their differences through the application of his own confusion. Sunni Al Qaeda in Iraq may not be allied with Shiite Iran, but that's no reason, as McCain once suggested in song, not to bomb them both.

2 comments on “The 2008 Nobel Prizes for Conservatives”

  1. Well, based on the protections afforded by the 14th amendment, any snowflake baby fertilized before 1990 should register to vote.


Jon Perr
Jon Perr is a technology marketing consultant and product strategist who writes about American politics and public policy.

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