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Trent Lott's Next Career

November 26, 2007

Washington is abuzz with the news that Senate Minority Whip Trent Lott will resign by the end of the year. Speculation abounds regarding the motivation for the Mississippi Senator's sudden departure as well as what comes next. (Rumors of health problems and an affair with the bastard love child of one of Strom Thurmond's bastard love children proved to be unfounded). But while the Politico and other outlets are reporting Lott's quick exit is fueled by his desire to evade new restrictions on lobbying, the Senator himself denied he had decided upon his next job opportunity:

"A lot of options will hopefully be available," Lott said. "I am not really involved in negotiations...there are some opportunities out there I want to be able to consider."

Here are just some of the future careers Trent Lott might pursue:
Editor, Southern Partisan Magazine. Lott would be a fitting leader for Southern Partisan, a journal of ante bellum nostalgia whose mission its web site describes as "under construction." In 1984, after all, Lott took to the pages of the neo-Confederate publication to offer his own personal rebel yell, referring to the Civil War as "the war of aggression."
Washington Lobbyist, Council of Conservative Citizens. Lott would be a natural choice to head the CCC, the latter day incarnation of the White Citizens' Councils of Jim Crow days. As the CCC's political epitaph for Lott today noted, "When Trent Lott stated that America would've been better off had Strom Thurmond been elected in 1948 he was dead on right." Though unhappy with Lott's later positions over immigration and his denunciations of the group, CCC members no doubt fondly remember Lott's 1992 praise for the organization.
President, Conservative Clothing Company. Rumors are swirling that Lott may be tapped to head a new firm offering designer clothes for conservatives. The unnamed company claims its apparel will be the rage among "anyone who's anyone in the GOP." Among its featured products is the "White Hot Republican Hoody," a "snowy white robe and matching hood made of fire resistant fabric to withstand even the hottest cross-burning."
CEO, Cracker Jack Genes. Lott purportedly has an offer on the table from Cracker Jack Genes, a genealogy firm specializing in tracking the down the illegitimate black offspring of prominent segregationists. Hoping to capture the public imagination following the revelations surrounding the surprising familial ties of Strom Thurmond and Al Sharpton, CJG promises customers "we can keep a secret, at least til election day."
President, Stars and Bars Restaurants. Speculation also abounds that Lott may jump at the chance to run "Stars and Bars," a new chain of southern-themed bar and grille restaurants. Its drink list is said to include "Red Bull Run," while the appetizer menu features "Dixie Chick 'N' Wings."
Consultant to Sunni Political Parties in Iraq. Leaders of an alliance of Sunni political parties in Baghdad are reported to be contemplating hiring Lott as a consultant to help formulate their parliamentary strategy. The minority coalition is said to be impressed with Lott's work since the 2006 mid-term elections, where he helped lead the Senate GOP from its position of "Up or Down Vote" to unprecedented obstructionism. "The strategy of being obstructionist can work or fail," Lott said earlier this year, adding, "So far it's working for us."
As John Kyl (R-AZ), Lamar Alexander (R-TN) and John Cornyn (R-TX) seek to replace Lott in the GOP leadership post, the Politico reports, "the announcement took Capitol Hill by surprise because Lott, the former majority leader, seemed to be relishing his job as minority whip." Unlike the rest of this article, you can't make stuff like that up.

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Jon Perr
Jon Perr is a technology marketing consultant and product strategist who writes about American politics and public policy.

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