Over the past 24 hours, Acting Department of Homeland Security Secretary Chad Wolf has faced a firestorm of criticism for his over-the-top rhetoric and grandstanding regarding the ongoing demonstrations in Portland, Oregon. In his memo justifying the deployment of federal marshals that neither the mayor nor the governor requested or wanted, the man supporters call “Hanging Chad” cited no few than 72 instances of “violent anarchists” painting graffiti, damaging fencing and breaking windows.

But while President Trump’s opponents on the radical left will brush off the damage to the Hatfield Federal Courthouse and other downtown locations as the work of “a few dozen douchebags who are not supported by the tens of thousands of peaceful demonstrators” here, Acting Secretary Wolf has actually understated the carnage unleashed by the “violent mob” in the Rose City.

As a local, I can attest that the 50 day “siege” of Portland is far worse than real Americans across the country can possibly imagine. As a quick review of just some of the horrifying incidents Wolf omitted from his memo will show, ignoring the Fourth, Fifth, Tenth and Fourteenth Amendments to the United States Constitution is altogether justified.

5/29/2020

• Violent anarchists waited patiently in line to purchase organic kale at Whole Foods Market on East Burnside.

6/7/2020

• Violent anarchists started a riot at Voodoo Doughnut in Old Town when the baker ran out of its famous “Cock-N-Balls” delicacy. Shouts of “Free Beaunuts” rang out until the violent mob of 10 left peacefully for a nearby cannabis dispensary.

6/11/2020

• Violent anarchists almost came to blows in a heated drum circle dispute when a small group of renegades wanted to pound out “Heartbeat, It’s a Love Beat” by the DeFranco Family. Order was restored only when a Portland Police officer suggested “Sugar Magnolia” by the Grateful Dead.

6/14/2020

• Violent anarchists waited patiently in line to purchase organic kale at Whole Foods Market on NW Couch Street.
• Violent anarchists used suspicious terrorist lingo to communicate during shopping trip. One referred to a high-priced item as “spendy,” while another politely asked the clerk for a “sack.” Using “sack” instead of “bag” was a hallmark of the Red Brigades in Italy in the 1970’s.

6/28/2020

• Violent anarchists divided the winnings from an instant lottery ticket purchased at the 7/11 on SE Division to share kombucha equally according to need.

7/13/2020

• Violent anarchists in sleeper cells around the city began synchronized chanting around 9:30 PM.  Among the coded Antifa messages were chants of “When I root I root for the Timbers” and “P-T [clap clap] F-C [clap clap].” Counter-terrorism experts suggested that the rhythmic clapping is part of an Antifa battle cry.

Only through the heroic actions of unknown federal agents in unmarked cars renditioning American citizens off the streets of Portland can order be restored to that once great city.