Are you ashamed to be seen with your health care bill? Do you fear facing your own constituents? Are you plagued by feelings of dread and mild nausea at the thought of disappointing your seething supporters, angry activists and demanding donors?
If you answered "yes" to all these questions, you might be a Republican member of Congress suffering from moderate to severe Irritable Base Syndrome (IBS).
That's where Trumpcara comes in. Brought to you by the good people of GOPLabs®, Trumpcara keeps your IBS at bay. With one simple vote, you calm the outbreak of red rage and make your pain and discomfort--and insurance for 23 million Americans--disappear!

As for everyone else, ask your Senator if Trumpcara is right for you. Trumpcara (appallinghealthcareinamerica) legislation isn't recommended for anyone under the age of 65. Trumpcara can cause serious side effects, including:

• The loss of coverage for three million children under the age of 18, 6.4 million young adults ages 18 to 29, 8.2 million people ages 30 to 49 and 5.1 million older Americans in the reliably Republican 50 to 64-year-old age range.
• Between 21,000 and 50,000 needless deaths due to uninsurance very year.
• Mild to severe cashectomies and even financial ruin, as insufficient, age-based tax credits that grow too slowly make insurance premiums unaffordable for older, sicker and less affluent Americans.
• Conditions like "empty pocket disorder" and deductitis, as the end of the Affordable Care Act's cost-sharing reductions and essential health benefits along with new surcharges or disqualification to do preexisting conditions saddle families with massive new expenses.
• "Collateral closures" of rural hospitals and clinics as the gutting of Medicaid puts the onus for covering 51 million uninsured on cash-strapped states.
• Degenerative employer-provided insurance, as terminated Obamacare health care benefits bring back the worst excesses of the insurance industry including annual and lifetime caps on benefits.
• "Red state blowback," a tragically ironic affliction of voters in states carried by Donald Trump, states with higher percentages of people of preexisting conditions and fewer choices of insurers.
• Upward income redistribution caused by an $800 billion transfusion administered by the U.S. Treasury to the wealthiest people in America, a process doctors call "enrichening."

Women should not handle copies of the legislative text. Nine out of 10 women who read the bill suffered from the immediate onset of severe depression due to the likely loss of coverage for contraception and maternity care. Women who are pregnant or considering becoming pregnant shouldn't take Trumpcara. In fact, in many states they won't be able to, as waivers from required "essential health benefits" will allow insurers to drop coverage for maternity care.
So, if you're a GOP incumbent and want to make it to November 2018 without being primaried, take Trumpcara. It's not health care. And in the Senate, it's not even a bill.
Trumpcara is trademark and GOPLabs is a registered trademarked of GOPLabs, Inc.